Oh my. Where do I even begin. There have been so many developments since I last wrote. Lots of stuff related to adoption, and unrelated as well. So many things have been on my mind to write about that it's been ovewhelming thinking about where to start. Not to mention our lives have been a whirlwind for the past 2 months. And while this blog is partly meant to update you on our adoption process, I believe it's important for me to acknowledge other significant things going on in our lives throughout this process, because it is indeed part of our journey. That's why I'm dedicating this post to our dog, Jaxon. (And well, because-like the name of the blog says-it's cathartic). So can I take you with me for a moment of interlude? No worries, much more to come about the adoption VERY soon, I just couldnt fit everything in one post. :) I've got MUCH more to talk about. But first things first, and one thing at a time, there's something that's been on my heart...
Not too long ago, in April 2009, we bought our first home, and on move-in day we welcomed a long awaited puppy into our home and into our hearts forever. An English Bulldog we named Jaxon. We waited our entire marriage (8 yrs at the time) to be able to get a dog, and specifically, to get that type of dog. Not having any children of our own, I longed to take care of something or someone. And before ya know it he absolutely, positively became the love of our lives and like our very own child. But only a couple of years later, things came to a screeching halt.
On August 24, 2011, at only 2 1/2 yrs young, we said goodbye to Jaxon. We had known something was wrong but didn't know what. In July, he began having occassional episodes where he seemed to be fainting. He would just fall over. The vet told us just to watch and see if it happened again and to bring him back if it did. It did. So we returned. Not knowing what the problem was, they decided to perform a blood test to find out what was wrong. At first they "suspected" cancer, but weren't sure. We were panicked. I started researching it, and found out that the prognosis was very grave. But they got a second opinion, from a specialist at U of I who, upon review of the results, doubted it to be cancer. We were relieved but they wanted us to test again and have it sent there officially so they could take a look at the blood themselves & confirm whether it was cancer or not. In the meantime they tested him for a couple other potential health problems, trying to rule anything else out, and those turned out to be negative. So moving forward in our quest, we went ahead & had his blood sent to U of I. They officially confirmed lymphoma with a grave prognosis; she thought he had only 4-6 months left to live. She told us he was so far along in the stages, that chemotherapy wouldn't really do any good to lengthen his life. And of course, the cost is insane anyway. Our only option was to give him meds to help him be comfortable and see how he responded to them. They said there was a chance that it could lengthen his life by a few months. So we were looking at up to about 9 months tops. So we began the meds, but his condition quickly declined. He was having seizures & fainting regularly, up to a few times a day. He was often losing his bladder control as well, and vomitting regularly. And he was just plain sick and tired. He was so weak we had to carry him outside to try to get him to go potty. We quickly learned his time was shorter than we thought. Just a few days later when we updated the dr, she decided he was a lot further along than she initially thought and then gave him only a few weeks to live. As you can imagine, this was all very shocking. We couldn't believe what was happening and I was crying often, watching him suffer, not wanting him to suffer, and coming to terms with the fact that there was nothing we could do and we were going to have to let him go. Even though he sat right there beside me, I missed him so. I couldn't stand the idea that he would no longer be with us. For some reason it was unbearable. I felt as though he was my child. Jeremy & I had looked forward to getting him for several years beforehand and the day we got him, he was our dream come true. But with his condition quickly worsening, we knew what we had to do. And with only one short week passing after officially learning of the cancer, we took him to the vet where he was euthanized. We stayed with him every step of the way. They encouraged us to keep talking to him and in a sense, we rooted him on, telling him how much we loved him and how he was a good doggy. We told him we were right there with him. We told him it's ok as his head dropped, his body became still, and then lifeless.
Only 1 month and a week later, it's still as fresh as ever. I miss him everyday, and I cry almost everyday thinking of him. I've longed just to touch him again and see his beautiful face. I'm still very emotional about it, and it strikes me at any time of the day. In the beginning, there were many a nights that I would sob uncontrollably as I lay in bed. My lovely husband has held me each and every one of those times. Frankly, its been shocking to discover just how difficult this is to go through. Even though he's "only a dog", my heart has never known an ache like this before. To be honest, I've never lost a loved one. And Jaxon WAS my loved one. He was so much a part of our daily lives. We took him everywhere. He LOVED going for car rides. He loved to wrestle with his daddy. He loved to play laser tag. He loved to give kisses. He was the sweetest and most stubborn thing in the world (much like his momma! Lol). Jaxon brought MUCH joy to our lives. He will always be a dream come true, and remain a dream in our hearts. It's actually been amazing having friends and family pull together for us and be completely empathetic and supportive. So many prayed us through this process, standing along side us. Thank you. You have no idea how much it has meant. We will never forget. And now that I've realized just how hard this loss is, I know how I can be of support to others going through such things.
Jaxon, we love you. We will never lose your place in our hearts. Thank you.
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| Pick up day April 2009 |
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| In loving memory of Jaxon Lee Sharpe |
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